You came like a thief in the night
You robbed my heart…
You stole my soul.
Quite as you came,
You too left with devastating silence.
Ripped my brain, stripped my being
Now, just shattered pieces of memories
Stained with blood,
From my fingers to my heart.
I’m dead.
I shall be your night so that you can always have your daylight…
I shall conceal your tears so that laughter may find you right.
I shall hide your sadness and make it mine to moan,
So that you will never be haunted by pain at dawn.
I shall be your hiding place where you can mourn,
I shall be your sanctuary when you’re all broken and doomed.
I will be your refuge in all your storms,
I will consume your death so you can live your life to bloom.
If and perhaps seeing the stars illuminating in the darkness,
Is the key to finding your light…
Then I shall remain with the shadows so that you,
My betrothed shall never find yourself in gloom.
You will never be lost,
Never alone.
This I promise you.
For many hours I just lay here trying to figure out what to write. I am just so full of emotion that I am to the point that I have to pour it out anyhow or I would burst out and shred myself to pieces. I have to write. That or I have to displace my mind from the chaos of my being.
I chose to WRITE.
I had a long time affair with my bed. It was ever since I found serenity from the safety of my bedroom. Laying on my bed is like floating away on space and making love intimately with the satin smoothness of the bleak night sky enveloped in a blanket and resting my head on a pillow of clouds. The walls of the room transforms into darkness tainted with specks of diamond while the ceiling is an awe-inspiring black canvass of whirling galaxies and endless possibilities. On my bed I discovered and learned about places and things as i read and dream about them in full colors… even the blacks and whites are as vivid and interesting. I had gone through different dimensions of consciousness and my imagination runs wild and free as it weaves stories and tales while my hand synchronically translate it into beautiful words.
The affair was all nurturing and tempting that it became an addiction. It had become a comfort zone where heartbreaks and sorrows are melted into tears, love and romance blossoms from a spruced flower garden to an untamed sprawling jungle. All the desires of the heart become real and unreal. My bed and I are lovers like a broken glass on trampled grass…
See… this is exactly what happens when my eccentricity overcomes my sanity.
could it be that we are lovers over cappuccino
sitting under a starless, velvety night,
sharing this coffee with a love ly hint of enthralling sweetness…
sipping and then drowning into bittersweet goodness,
tempted with its foam we drunk regardless of heat,
the tongue became numb yet strangely comforting,
so oddly soothing, we are pleased.
because we choose decaf over ordinary…
to refuse addiction and obsession;
to savor it’s flavor and elude it’s lustful tastefulness.
to kiss and not to get hooked into enticing impiety;
so as to love and to be loved uscathed and not drugged.
i had my coffee last night,
it was bitter, it was hot… almost cruel!
nevertheless, i enjoyed ever sip of it,
so much that it hurts, it burns.
my tongue became not just numb,
worst! that tastebuds almost lost its sense!
now i’m only half sure if the bitterness lingers
yet half hopeful it was overcome by sweetness, gone!
maybe it is better to be just the cup
than to be the coffee lover myself…
it’s easier to break as it crashes from heat
but the passion of a lover stays the longest.
It’s been a while since I last posted a blog… some good things happened in those last few days but bad things came in more… unfortunately… inevitably.
I have been meaning to write on a happier note after the one I wrote for a friend who passed away but maybe sadness is a stronger motivator… so here I am pouring all these poignant emotions and drenching myself with tears that wouldn’t stop.
Today…I will be writing a letter for you… though impossible, I wanted to give you the slightest hint how you’ve been hurting me…
For you…
We have gone through this too many times, and we end up having the same problem time and again. I don’t know why we never come up with a better solution instead… why we never learn from all the mistakes and why cant we make things work out between us.
This has been going on for years… a lot of people had been hurt, even the most important ones are not spared. And that is one major thing that I cannot bear… having them suffer because of a wrong decision I made some time ago.
All these years, I told myself that it wasn’t just your fault. I tried to even out all your mistakes with the things that I thought I’ve done wrong. I always shared with the blame… always thought that I drove you away and that I was never good enough for you. I gave you chances… that you blew up each time… and it is tiring me out…
I guess all along, it was just me who never learn… I am probably wrong in believing that we will end up “happily ever after” in spite of everything. No… not probably… I AM REALLY WRONG… and it sucks, big time.
I’ve been broken… worn out… exhausted. It is time to pick up myself if I wanted to get out of this in one piece and to quit trying to read your mind and feeding your ego with understanding, patience and my own self-respect. I have loved you with all of myself and more but it is time to move forward and live my life again. I almost lost everything and I am not gonna let you take whatever is left of me. You had pushed me to the very edge and I wouldn’t be caught dead waiting for you to realize that I deserve better treatment.
I won’t say goodbye… I’d say later. I’ll see you… I will still be here for you (not all the time though)… and thank you, thank you for making me realize how cruel I’ve been to myself.
Me….
paanong umabot sa ganito? ubos na… wala na… nakakapagod.
Naging alabok mula sa apoy
natupok!
Ang damdaming
pinadpad ng hangin, saan?
Paano
dinilig ng tubig, nilunod
Hanggang naging putik, bakit?
Natuyo’t natigang, nasan?
Iniwang
nakatiwangwang
Kung
kelan nangitim ang mga bakas
Ng luha, ng pawis at ng dugo
Pagtagal naging alikabok
Umanga’t sa
hangin, nilimot?
Ang
alaalang nakatimo
Sa lupang pinagbaunan ng puso
Sa takdang panaho’y iahon…
Ilalabas sa
bilangguang kahapon
Hugasan! Patuyuin… Doon!
Sa tubig, sa hangin at sa apoy.
magkasalo sa kasalanang kami ang pumapasan… bakit?
Nakakadarang,
nakakapaso
Puno
ng init ang gabi
Magkasiping ang dalawang
Aninong walang hugis.
Pag-alabin at
tunawin
Ang
titig na singlamig ng yelo
Binabalot ng silakbo
Ng naglilintos na paso.
At nagsanib
katawang sabik
Ng tukso
at ng tubig
Nabuhay at namatay
Tumindi, ang dugo naging pawis.
Sa kainitan,
sumabog
Pagnanasa’y isinuko
Kapalit ng pagkaimortal
Natukso sa hamon ng laman.
marahil ang tubig, kahit anong gawin, hindi maaring manatili sa mga palad ko…
ang tubig at ikaw ay iisa
malamig, payapa
mainit, mapusok
malalim, di maarok.
kalmado, tahimik
sumusubo sa galit
banayad, di masisid
nakangiti, mapanganib.
malawak, walang hugis
luha pag tumatangis
nalalaro,
natatampisaw
nakakatighaw, nakamamatay.
ang iyong agos, ang aking alon
magkasalungat, di mag-ayon
umiikot,
nanghihigop
isip
ko’t puso’y nalulunod.
ang tubig at ikaw ay iisa…
sa muling pagtatangka kong sumulat at magbuhos ng damdaming matagal na panahong nakabilanggo… ako at ang hangin ay iisa…
ako at ang hangin ay iisa…
nagdaraan, di nakikita
nadarama, di mahaplos
di mahawakan, tumatagos.
bumubulong, di marinig
umaawit ng walang himig
lumalamig, umiinit
tumitindi, nananakit.
pinapadpad, lumulutang
tinatangay, lumilisan
alaalang
nakakabagot
parang hangin, nililimot.
ako at ang hangin ay iisa…
nasa paligid, di nakikita,
lumuluha,
tumatawa…
umiiyak, nag-iisa.
